Great Weekend

This past weekend I had a lot of fun.  Old friends came down to New Glarus to audition for my sister-in-law’s movie and we got to see them for awhile.  I’ve been finding that this year I am attracting old and new friends back into my life.  Rebecca and Kenton are very upbeat, centered kind of people, and Rebecca was the one who inspired me to take up bellydancing three years ago.   It was really nice to reconnect.    We went to Albion to take a tour with them and see Lars’ projects.

I do have to say that it is pretty remarkable that Leif’s family is so creative.   One of his brothers owns a wedding videography business, his sister owns a sword company, and Lars has become a fairly talented armorer.  And of course, Leif makes teeth!    (And then there’s that whole music thing, too. . . )

Afterwards, Leif, Rowan, and I stopped at a small park and absorbed sunshine for awhile.  It felt so good to hear the sun and wind again.  We walked for a long time and stopped at a stream, where Rowan dipped her hands in and felt the current.

And then, I went out later that night to Marlene’s house for a raucous night of Twilight and wine.  That is the kind of movie to watch with a bunch of women and play a running commentary.  Marlene has an Italian winemaker friend that sends her cases of wine–I have not had that kind of great wine in awhile.  It is the kind you just want to eat.  I stayed out late and had a great time.

I feel like Spring has come at last.  I’m ready to let go of all the weight I’ve been dragging around.  I’m ready to get my shit together.   I wish I could be stronger when things are hard, but I willing to work on that.  Having good friends helps with that.

Busy, busy

The problem with a blog is how truthful and how open do you be?  Especially if your life is full of ups and downs, which ones do you document?  For me, each day has been different, and I still don’t know which direction I’m heading in, but I’d like to think up.

The job thing–well, it came to a head a week ago.  I went in prepared to hand in my resignation, assuming that would be the best all around.  After all, I certainly didn’t want to be escorted off campus.  We had a lot of discussions, after which we decided to work it out.  So I am still at my job.  However, in a month I now have another mini review, so I’m not really in the free and clear either.

I wish I could let this all go and be in the past, but while it lingers on, it still has a hold on me.  Why am I staying?  Because honestly, I don’t want to leave it like this, and if there’s a chance to repair the damage, I would like to.  I like the work–technical writing is a good fit for me.  So I’m giving it my all this month–and if that doesn’t work, well then I know it’s not a good fit.

And while I’ve been working on my work situation, I am also practicing for a Hafla in May.  That’s an informal performance for bellydancers and their friends.  Knowing you’re going to perform definitely sharpens the skills.   It’s fun but tiring.

I really appreciate all the kind words from friends lately.  It’s meant a lot to me.

Gratitude

It has been a little crazy around here, and frankly I’ve been up and down about a situation that will soon be resolved.  Let’s just say my ego has been through the shredder.  But spring and change are coming, and the end to this difficult situation will soon be here.   I can’t wait!

I have had a lot of sychronicities and pings coming back, letting me know I’m on the right track.   But it’s been hard.   I’ve been yanked through a door, blundering around in the dark, but every time I get low something comes along to cheer me up:  an email from a friend, a timely article, even some recurring numbers (which may sound a bit too New Age, but it works for me).  And though it’s been tough, both my husband and I are in proximity to a very sad situation of one of our acquaintances, which shows me how much worse it could be.

I was thinking the other day, If I were someone else that wanted to help me, what would help the most? The thing that has helped me the most is encouragement, faith, and confidence that it will all turn out all right.  So to all my friends, and to my husband and daughter especially, thank you so much in the past few weeks for all your words of encouragement.  I have been needy and insecure, and I am grateful for the wonderful people that are part of my life.

And if you, who is reading this now, feels sad, uncertain, anxious, and afraid, I just want to say it will get better.  It’s been a hard winter and sometimes our personal life lessons are tough–but things change.  Winter changes to spring, snow melts, the sun comes back.  Though sometimes life seems pointless and empty, there is so much more.  Turn off the t.v., put down the fantasy novel, and stop eating crap–then feel a moment of silent peace grow within your heart.  If you’re afraid of what will come up if you don’t keep occupying your mind, believe that you can work through it.   I know you can.  We all are capable of great things, you and I.  And we are all together on this earth.

Mastermind Group

Today was the first meeting of our mastermind group.   I had been inspired by some posts on Erin Pavlina’s site and decided to form one of my own.  I guess typical Mastermind Groups are often set up by entrepreneurs in order to grow their business–my focus is to lead a better life.  It is so easy to get caught up in the minutiae of life that we lose the big picture–until we get dropped on our ass.

Well, I got dropped on my ass last summer and the beta dropping on the ass came a few weeks ago.  And the irony is that I have been anxious for months, “What should I be doing, should I be doing this or this or this?”  There’s a quote by Teddy Roosevelt, “In any moment of decision the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.”  So now I am doing things, and we’ll see where my little adventures lead.

I invited some ladies over and we started with a gratitude exercise, and then did a little rate your life activity.  And after that we formed some intentions and set some goals for the next month.  I think it went pretty well.  I would like us to grow as people and work through the blockages in our life.  So here’s to a better vibration! 

The Year of 4

You know, one thing that changed in me in the last year is that now I keep secrets.  I’m not talking confidences, where a friend trusts me not to say anything, but a feeling of not wanting to quite bare it all anymore.  It’s not that I care more exactly, it’s just that there is so much going on in my head and I would like to see some actual progress before sharing.  It’s a strange feeling for me, I always used to want to have people know me, all of me.

This year is going to be challenging for me.  A lot of what I want to accomplish is going to require me to grow up some more.  But I’ve seen a glimpse of what could be, and I’m excited about that.  Isn’t it funny the excuses we make to not change?  It’s as though it is just so painful that we aren’t good enough in the present moment–and yet that’s not it all.

I feel like I’ve lived a lot of my life in potentialities–now I want realities.  So we will see how much progress I can make in a year. 

I just want to be me

So a long time ago, when my husband and I were engaged, his brother had this girlfriend.  She was a badass chick, long black hair, tats and piercings, plucked eyebrows, scars on her arms.  I dug her, but I always had this weird feeling around her.  She was always pleasant enough, but I felt like she didn’t like me.  It was silly–I had no proof, nothing except this feeling.

At the time I was pretty new to this city, and my husband and his brother would say, “You two should have coffee, you girls have so much in common and you both need more friends.”  Finally, one day we did.

So we had our coffee and eventually she said, “You know, I’ve hated you for a long time.”  Huh.  When I asked her why, she said it was because I had a good-paying job and a commitment from my boyfriend.  We went on to have a friendship of sorts, but she and my brother-in-law broke up and I sort of lost touch with her.  But I remember the overwhelming sense of relief that day.  I wasn’t crazy or silly or paranoid–she just didn’t like me.  And my heart knew it.

Well, I’ve been in a funk lately.  Actually, it’s been more like standing on the edge of a precipice, the edge of a major depressive episode.  It’s been starting all over again, the crying and hating and I really, really don’t want to go down that path again.   And there is this one particular person in my life that has been making me feel that much worse.    Like somehow I deserve this, deserve to feel this way.  But recently, I recognized the feeling.  There is something wrong between us.  This person just does not like me.

Part of me feels relief at knowing what this wrongness is.   Part of me is incredibly angry.  Part of me wonders–why?  But you know, it doesn’t matter anymore.  I’m done.   I’ve been taking it all so personally, letting my heart just be stomped on.

Because the thing about Bram, about losing my baby is this–it’s not Bram that’s making me sad.  It’s that I realized life is so short and I’m walking through it half-asleep!  I don’t want to be teenage me, living my life through fantasy novels and comic books because I figured I would never be beautiful or sexy or cool.  I don’t want to be 20-something me, living my life through zombie-killing videogames, laughing at the gore because it makes me feel alive.  I just want to be ME.

Higher self me, the one that eats healthy food and exercises, because I love me and I want to have this body for a long time.  And I want a body that can walk and run and jump with my kids and not throw out my back.  The me that is incredibly grateful for the wonderful, amazing, inspirational friends that I have had throughout my life and wouldn’t be here if not for all of them.  The me that doesn’t need to be anybody else, the me that can wake up on a Monday morning and know that this is my life and this is where I’m supposed to be.

So yeah, maybe I seem a bit different now.  Was I supposed to just go back to the old me, like it never even happened?  Maybe that bothers some people.  But I, I just want to be me.

Repost: Cryptic Wisdom

So this is a post from Leif’s blog on MySpace, which I had to repost here for myself.  Good thing one parent is on the ball.

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Cryptic wisdom, or the ramblings of a child?
Current mood:  thirsty

My 4 year old daughter loves to browse through storybooks whenever she has free time ( which is pretty much all the time,) and although she can’t read yet, she narrates stories from her imagination which are loosely based on the pictures, or on movies or tv she’s recently seen, or which simply seem to be pulled randomly from the ether. Some of the things she says are so odd I just have to write them down. I offer a few here for your consideration. Cryptic wisdom, or the ramblings of a child?

Birdies bite mud

All the mice had a ridiculous disaster

I’ll build and build your finest cake

I would clap for my penguins sweetly. I would sing a little tune.

I went to the spooky castle, but nobody cared for the rest of my life.

He asked one question about the whole world

The queen of the little babies, she has issues

My eye really pooped in my eyeball

In the shape of me a shadow be

His name is “Rebellion of the Earth”

Bow down to the King of Sawdust!

Sometimes you use tissues in a different land. It’s a pretty funny land.

My cheek said “Be angry! Be angry!” but my lip said “Be happy! Be happy!” (Edit:  As you might have guessed, this from a time when she bit her cheek)

As long as you compress me, you can never wear these delicate shoes. If you wear them twice, you can do nothing!

We’re not just going to learn about doggies today. We’re learning about mutation.

I wonder if kitties can sniff planets. What if a planet got stuck in a tree?

Good Dinner Child, this is your job.

Humpty Dumpty sat in the snow
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall… into a cave
Humpty Dumpty walked in the cave
Humpty Dumpty met up with monsters
Humpty Dumpty was cryin’!

I’m still here

In case you’ve been wondering where I am, I am still here.    I have just been very internal lately.  Half the time I wonder if my thoughts wouldn’t just bore people, so why bother writing them down.  But I had a conversation with a friend of mine and I was saying how I had gotten a compliment on my eyeshadow (yellow and bright green that day) and I realized that if I were no longer around, people would notice.  She told me that people do notice, and even in my withdrawn periods, people notice.

I have been a bit up and down, it’s odd.  At bellydance class I feel fat and ugly, though I am learning so much, so I don’t want to quit.  When I have friends over for dinner, I feel beautiful and free.  I read a lot on life and spirituality.  I feel like I am getting better at accepting that someday I will die, even though I really don’t want to do so now.  Too much to do yet, and my girl needs me.

I am really try to work at becoming a better person.  For one thing, I would like to have more strange and mystical experiences–yet I know right now, I would feel far too much fear if something weird happened to me.   I’m not mature enough to handle it without peeing my pants.  I really want to get away from fear, because there is still a lot of fear that hides in me, influencing my actions.

I would really like to help people, and more than anything, I want to have a meaningful impact in this world.  But unless I learn to more focussed, more disciplined, more clear, I will not have much power to influence much of anything.  And that’s what I’m working on these days.

Bootcamp–With the Marines

Yesterday, my trainer Dustin held a bootcamp session at a local health club.   There were a couple of Marines with a Toy for Tots drive there as well, which is why I wanted to go.  I wanted to see what kind of pain they could dish out.  ;p  The Marines led the first part of the workout, which was indeed tough.  Then Dustin led the second part of the workout, which was tougher.  In fact, I did not feel so bad when I saw even the Marines had some difficulty with some of Dustin’s moves.  (He used a lot of balance ball stuff).  So now I can say I’ve worked out with Marines!  Ha ha ha!

Of course, keeping up with them would be another thing to brag about altogether. . .

And boy do my abs hurt today.  Good thing I wasn’t planning on doing a lot of breathing.

Happy Tofurkey Turducken Turkey Day!

Okay, so I didn’t actually make a tofurkey.  I made a turducken for Iain and a turkey for everyone else, but I didn’t touch any meat today.  No turkey, no turducken, no gravy.  I am soo proud of myself!  It was a challenge because I have slowly been working my way towards vegetarianism/veganism.  I am concentrated more on the vegan side, because it seems if you do vegetarian, you still end up eating a lot of dairy and I’m trying to whittle that down.

I feel a little silly about it, because I haven’t told many people about the change.  I’m still a bit closeted, if you will.  It’s been about a month I think since I last had meat or poultry.  Still working on fish.  And I’m not sure I will really go vegan permanently, but I’m trying to bring in as many fruits, vegetables, and nuts as I can into my diet.  And I have been so into miso and lentils lately.  I love them!

In other news, it was great to see Don!  The surgery on the brain tumor went well.  He was immediately back to the old Don, talkative and opinionated.    Of course, he does have a line of staples running from the apex of his forehead to his ear.  It’s a little bit Frankensteinish, but actually not as distracting as you might think.   So I am very grateful for that.  He got a little teary-eyed, even said he loved us.  He’s kind of a man’s man, so such emotion is a bit unusual for him.  We still don’t know about the tumor in his lung, we’re waiting for results from that.

It was a really good Thankgiving!