July though has not been the best month.  I’ve been really. . . emotional.  I’ve been arguing with my husband more–never a good sign.  It’s interesting, because in my inward life, I would say one of my greatest flaws is the lack of self discipline.  I am always annoyed at myself because I’m still drinking coffee and soda, I still eat chips & candy (I don’t buy it at the grocery story but work has a cheap vending area), I’m still not exercising.  But I think Leif might say that I compare myself too much to other people.  When he said it, I thought, Sure I compare myself to other people–a little.  Doesn’t everybody?  And I realized that it’s a really unattractive trait to do that.

The problem is trying to remove that and replace it with something healthier.  I have a couple of fitness sites that I peruse where the authors have great bodies–yeah, part of me thinks, Well, maybe this will make me WANT to work out more.  I also know people who make more than I do and I think, Maybe this will make me work HARDER so I too can make more.  Some days I really just don’t know where I’m going with my life, but I’m not happy in it.  We all say, Yeah, I know I’m not perfect, but that’s okay.  I’m realizing I say that, but I don’t believe that.  I feel like a failure coming home to my messy house and my piles of papers and my laundry unfolded and it’s all just reminders of what I should be doing.

But tonight, we ordered in and watched a little tv.  Then Leif worked on some music on his new laptop from Lars and I folded some of the laundry while watching Nova.   Then Nova got into the laundry basket and started throwing clothes all over the living room floor, so I helped her.  And then I threw them on her and took the white flour sack towels and draped them over her head and she just laughed and laughed.  That’s the great thing about a baby’s laugh–it can’t be anything less than real.  She hasn’t learned to be inauthentic yet.   So I didn’t get the dishes done.  But the memory of more laughter–check.  (Oh yeah, some of the laundry did manage to get put away, how about that?)

Nova overall though was very sweet.  She’s been a total pill for the last week, fighting some cold and frankly I was getting sick of being the monkey tree for my little monkey.  I love her, but man, a week of non-stop whining and clinging. . . this is why I decided long ago that there would only be a few kids in my future (as opposed to 5 or 6)  But tonight, I gave Nova a little bowl of blueberries and she took her bowl to Rowan’s little plastic mermaid salon and ate them while talking to herself in babytalk in the mirror.  Cute.

I did grocery shopping this weekend because though Leif can get everything on the list, this time there were some specific items I was looking for.  I hit the ethnic aisle pretty hard and I love all the weird stuff.  Like Thai Sweet Rice, what it that?  How different is that from Jasmine rice?  I realized there is still a lot of food out there that I haven’t tried.  Long term, that just won’t do.  I am curious, I need to know these things.

And now I must go.

After that though, I had a some nuts and for dinner I had some peaches, avacado, and some golden melon.  Tomorrow I’ll have another green smoothie for breakfast.  We’ll see how it goes.  This afternoon I was thinking what to make for dinner and realizing I had no idea.  Raw food. . . well, it’s either extremely simple–have some fruit and fresh veggies–or it can get complicated making sprouted bread and fake pasta made from spiral cut zucchini and other such things.

The raw food aspect isn’t really as important to me as just changing things up a bit and seeing what happens.  And I’m pretty sure I will be taking part of the company potluck on Weds, regardless.  I didn’t feel very hungry today, but I was really tired in the morning and brain foggy.  Really, if there’s anything I want to see from this experiment, I would like to gain clarity and maybe an improvement in energy levels.  We’ll see what happens.

It’s not a weight issue, I’m skinny enough and I don’t need to lose weight.  But often, I just feel. . . foggy.  And I’ve read some testimonials from people that one of the benefits of a “detox” is they feel like a new person.  For the record, I don’t like the word “detox”.  Yes, there are pesticides and all sorts of low levels of random chemicals lying about.  We live in the aquarium of Earth, and there isn’t a way to truly be separate ourselves from our collective past actions.  That being said, I do not believe that my bowels are impacted with years of putrefaction and really, I feel no need to talk about poop–mine or anybody else’s (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, check out some random raw food forums. . .it’s a bit different out there).

But a “detox,” as a form of a health reset–that is of interest to me.  Because I may be skinny, but I often eat crap and don’t even really enjoy it half the time!  Food, which should be such a simple thing, if often not.  I’ve found it to be true in my own life that I often eat food because I’m tired or bored or the clock has a number on it that I associate with eating.   Where is the hunger?  Do I even know what that feels like, or is the slightest bit of uncomfortableness now “hunger”?

So I was looking into green smoothies and checking out The Raw Divas–and hey, look they have a free 7 day raw food detox program.  I signed up with my email to see what they had to say and decided to try my first ever green smoothie on Monday.  I was pretty sure it would be gross.  I got out my blender and threw in a few ice-cubes and added a banana and then some strawberries.  I taste-tested it, yep, it was yummy.  Big surprise as it only consisted of fruit and ice.  I had some fresh spinach in the fridge from my CSA so I threw a little in and tasted it.  It was not bad.  I ended throwing in two big handfuls of spinach and my smoothie was green, and amazingly it was not gross.

So on Tuesday instead of my usual breakfast of cereal and milk, I tried it again.  Banana-strawberry base, but instead of spinach (I was out), I used kale.  Now, I was sure this one would be gross.  Kale, as least cooked, is pretty distinctive.  But I ended up throwing in four big leaves of it.  Again, bright green.  Again, not gross.  I liked it.  I liked the weird green lawn smoothie.  Crazy.

Every morning this week I have been making a green smoothie for breakfast.  And not only that, I have not been snacking and I have been just experimenting with being in control of my eating.

Today, as it was my birthday we went out for sushi.  I have a weakness for crunchy shrimp sushi, so delicious, and so not vegan (or vegetarian, yes I know).  But the 7 day detox starts with a 24 hour fast, so I ate my last meal at midday.  It will be so odd not to take any food with me to work tomorrow.  After the 24 hours, then all you eat are fresh fruits and vegetables and a limited amount of nuts.  Nothing cooked, no meat, no dairy, no pasta, bread, yeah, pretty much nothing else.  I’m keeping an open mind and see how it goes.  Next Wednesday we have a work potluck, so I may let myself partake of that.  Because eating. . .sometimes it’s a communal, bond-with-other-people thing.

Oh, and yes, the detox also means no tea, coffee, or liquor for 7 days.  I’m going to miss the tea the most. 

Then on Thursday I had one of my most productive days ever at work.  It was crazy, I kept getting stuff done.  Task after task kept getting checked off!  It was weird, because by the end of the day I was exhausted and I skipped my dance class, I was just so burned out.  But it felt good, like lifting a new heavy weight that you couldn’t do before.

On Saturday Nova and I went to the Farmer’s Market with Jessica and Amy and their babies Brianne and Daniel.  Three moms and three strollers.  They had their super nice running strollers and me, I had my cheap little umbrella stroller with the diaper bag backpack.  It worked out though–we went to Graze, which was super nice.  We had mimosas with breakfast.  Then I went home again and worked on another giant project.  I cleared out all of the piles and piles of clothes from upstairs and now the ones we will keep are in labelled bins  and I know which ones are ready for my next Goodwill trip.  It made quite a mess in the living room.

After that, Nova and I went back out to Jess’s for an impromptu slumber party.   There was much wine and talking.  It was just what I needed, and Nova did very well.

And now there are some kids crying, so I must go.

At both work and home, I have been slowly adding in the GTD stuff.  I bought a bunch of plastic trunks and started packing away stuff–I may or may not get rid of it, but I want to see how it feels with it gone.  So I packed up a trunk of clothes, a trunk of drinking glasses, tea cups, and DVDs, and a trunk of. . . dare I say it, books.  I also have actually been filing.  I have many piles of papers to go through and many files to purge, but it is happening! 

In the last sales class I took, the instructor talked about the Cycle of Self Development:  first, you need Attitude, then Knowledge, next Practice, and lastly comes Skill.  There is a hump inbetween Knowledge and Practice, which is where many people get stuck.  But inwardly, I can feel the change–I’ve over the hump, in the very beginning stages of Practice.

This was made clear to me when I was reading one of my books and it had you write down where you are today, where you were three years ago, and where you’ll be three years from now.  By looking at where I was in 2008, I can see the progress I’ve made.  For one thing, our finances are far improved.  I figured when we had the second child we’d be in the hole for daycare, but we are holding our own.  I was just starting to get frustrated with my job, and now I’m in a job with more responsibility, freedom, and better pay.  My relationship was okay, but not great.  Now I feel more grateful for what I have and I can see he’s grown too.   My next big pushes for improvement will probably be in the friends arena (ie, I want to be a better friend) and physical health.

I have found that with all this intense internal work that I have not been as social as I would like.  But, right now I feel like I have to focus on my family.  I’ve always kind of been annoyed with that statement–it seems like a cop-out, as in, “Oh hey, I don’t have time for you but I know you’ll stick around even though I ignore you because you’re my friend.”  However, I’ve had to accept that right now my life is intense and I can only work on so much at one time.  I’m hoping that by getting organized I can balance my life better, but obviously, if I have to choose I’ll choose my immediate family followed by my career, because it shows when I don’t make the effort.

So if you feel as if I’ve been ignoring you, I have!  But not intentionally.    My life is definitely a work in progress these days.

So they will be here.  Thursday.  And we’ll see how it goes because there were a couple of cool events happening this weekend that I’d like to go to.  Is it rude to do stuff when you have visitors around?  I’d bring them along, but if Dad doesn’t want to be in the car. . .well, we’ll see.

My mom sounded drawn out.  I bet my Dad has been a real beast, especially as it’s been going on for a month.  And as much as I try to pride myself on personal growth and all, when they come, internally I heave a big *sigh*.  Here we go again.  This time, I want to rewrite the script.

Nope, they are not a lot of fun.  They’re not bad, just kind of a downer.  So yeah, I get why they like to visit–well, certainly why my Mom does.  After all, I do the cooking, instead of her.  I do the washing up.  But even more than that, I know I am lucky.  I have a great family.  I enjoy coming home to my family, to my kids.  Here there is light and laughter and love, and I can say that without being cheesy.  We play and tickle and hug each other.  It’s great.  And Mom and Dad–they are only human.  I get my Mom, at least on most levels.  I don’t get my Dad–except for the God part, I don’t really know what he is thinking.  He is always so stern, unsmiling.  I don’t really know how much he misses us, if he does at all, because he keeps the evidence of those feelings inside.

But regardless of what I think I know, what I can do is try to make my Mom’s life a little easier for a few days.  And I can make some great meals, so they won’t miss the restaurants too much.  And I can practice my listening and open-ended questions on them.  So that’s my plan.  I’m going to cut down the whining (though frankly Leif and I will probably be rolling our eyes at least once) and look at the bright side.  Because that is the person I choose to be.

I have heard it is is worse with boys, as they can be more rambunctious.  But there were lots of fart jokes, butt smacking, and wild giggling.  Not to mention that they commandeered the box of rubber gloves to tie each other hand’s behind their backs.  They were playing some game that had an evil giant that had them prisoner or somesuch thing.  Let us just say that it was a great 9:00 am when the parents came to take them away.    Naw, I would let Rowan do it again, but I will need a breather.

This afternoon Rowan had Girl Scouts (Daisies) so I have had a blissful couple of hours watching some adult tv (Sex and the City) and having a big cup of tea.  And playing with Nova, today she is extra lovable.  It was so warm I put her in a little skirt and those chunky thighs–I just want to smoosh them!  She was super giggly and playful.  Luckily too, in the past few weeks she has actually begun to enjoy baths so they have become a bit more leisurely.  For the past few months, baths have been more of a shower thing, as she would just scream.

The other great thing about this day is just opening the windows and letting that great breeze in.  I am so ready for Spring!

Leif was feeling a bit sad as with spring coming, the garden is going to be neglected with Don not around.  Plus, it’s his childhood home.  He has decades of memories, and his baby daughter may be bee-bopping around, but her grandpapa isn’t around to see her anymore.

Nova is getting better at sleeping through the night, but we forgot the pack ‘n play, partly because there’s a crib at the house.  But we found out that the crib can’t come out of the storage room without being disassembled, and in any case, a wheel broke off so it’s crooked.  Grandma found a pad, so we put it on the floor, but during the night I kept waking up afraid Nova was going to get up and walk out into the hallway.  That turned out to be a needless concern, but she did manage to find a loose cord and get her arm and neck wrapped up in it.  Yeah, not good.  That was the end of that and we brought her into bed.  And now I know why there’s a million warnings on any sort of cords–kids really can strangle themselves that easily.  Ugh.

My mother-in-law is holding her own, but she has sciata, so her legs have been bothering her.  I’m going to have to start looking for babysitters around here, I think.  And I called my parents (they’re due to visit later in the month) and they may have to cancel, as my dad strained some muscle in his back and his legs are now hurting him.  I guess we’ll just wait and see.

Oh, and yes, I started reading GTD.  Apparently I need to buy a labeler for all the file folders I will be labeling.  Exciting stuff, this.

I did officially wean Nova.  I hadn’t pumped since before Christmas, but I was still doing comfort nursing here and there, and then my 3-day trip to Florida sort of ended that.  No longer will I have those little hands on me. . .but then again, those last few times it didn’t feel like there was anything left in there.  Not to mention all those teeth, I think she had close to 10 now, including some molars.  So now I have to get serious with being better with my diet and exercise, because my magic weight loss card is over now.  And I’ve gotta to tell you, I like this me.   I am in the extremely enviable position of having to buy new clothes, because my clothes, my underwear, my bras, and even my bikini no longer fit.  I’ve had to do some serious investments in belts to get by.  It’s pretty crazy.  (Of course, I think some of this weight loss is also due to the incredible stress of my job–stress that is mostly self-inflicted)

But while the outside of me looks good, the inside–not looking so good.  At least it’s not postpartum depression, nothing that bad this time.  But this constant anxiety and distractedness and a feeling of being overwhelmed all the time–there is so much to do and I don’t even know where to begin.  And I’m sick of it.  Really, truly sick of it.

It’s funny, because when Rowan was about this age, the cracks in my marriage really started showing.  It was a hard time and there were nasty fights and I wondered if we’d make it–but looking back I realized the situation of having a small child simply brought to light things that weren’t truly working.  She didn’t break anything, it’s just all the new responsibilities showed that we had some issues to work out.

This time around, it’s not even Nova no much but this new job.  My new job that I’ve been in for eight months, and it’s showing the cracks in me.  I don’t like the fact that I haven’t been exercising. . . or practicing. . .  or doing yoga . . . and forget meditation.  I don’t like the fact that I eat crap and drink soda, coffee, and booze.  I don’t write, I don’t draw, I don’t paint.  And the house is a perpetual mess–something I could forgive if I was spending my time on better things–but I’m not!

So you know me, better living through books.  I broke out my copy of Getting Things Done, the productivity classic.  I need to start somewhere.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I don’t know much about my destiny, but I know it’s to the path of a different drummer.  And I can’t hear it, because my head is a jumble. This has been a long standing weakness of mine, but I need to attack it.  There is a lot of stuff I need to do in the life before I die, and I can’t do it with continuous garbage in my head.

So I may be posting about boring productivity stuff.  My apologies.